Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize