pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize