i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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