i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
