Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
