Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
