Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
