You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
