i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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