at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
