god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
