I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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