im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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