Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
