so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
