I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
