peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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