I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
