sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
