The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
