Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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