she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
