i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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