4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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