please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
