the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
