There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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