i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
