Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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