I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
