I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
