I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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