I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
