Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
