I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
