I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
