that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
