dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
