Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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