i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
