I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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