I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
