i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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