I just cut my nipple shaving
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
