it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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