guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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