I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
