no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
