Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
