is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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