They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
