I wish they made helmets for livers.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
