we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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