Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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