Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
