If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
