don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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