You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
