Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
