my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's always time for handjobs
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
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