The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
