he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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