i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
